The Book

10/9/09

Psalm 27:4
One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the BEAUTY of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.

I always feel like I’m riding a horse on the highway next to everyone with power windows and air conditioning! I look in those windows and wish I could have the smooth ride sometimes! I also think the drivers buzzing by look at me and wish they could feel the wind in their hair…just not enough to sell the car :) But God knows, even though it’s a wild ride, I wouldn’t trade the adventure.

In a brokenhearted state several years ago, I felt like God called me to a Pursuit of Beauty. “Brokenhearted state” is actually an understatement. It was the time in my life everything had to die in order to become the person God created me to be. It wasn’t just about breaking up with a guy (even one I thought I would marry) I had to break up with my family, my life, my career, my dream and worst of all ME! God was leading me to a place of true freedom and I had to let go of everything to reach it! DEVESTATED, SOBBING, LONELY, EMPTY, DARK just begins to describe the impossible mountain of pain that I woke up to everyday. The lowest point was just around the time of Valentine’s Day. I was too broken to turn to anyone or anything because only God could do this kind of repair. I did have a few handpicked friends! It’s actually funny who God selected to be my “angels” along the way: my previous ex-boyfriend, my ex-fiance’s mom, a couple I went to for counseling and a modeling agent! Ha! God has a sense of humor.

This is not exactly the space you want to be in for Valentine’s Day but it’s the very day I got a glimpse of God’s true beauty. My previous ex-boyfriend is a prayer warrior and I was desperate for help. I had reached out to him in January and found out he was living in Florida only 2 hours away from me. I didn’t want to see him because the grief of one ex-boyfriend was confusing enough. So we began instant messaging desperate prayers to God for hours. Keep in mind, when either of us says we’re broke, it means we don’t have gas to put in our car to come to see you. We were both broke. However, on Valentine’s Day, he made the two hour drive and showed up at my place at 10 o’clock at night with a pink bag in hand. Just the pink bag alone was special! He had made a Jason Upton CD for me (a worship/life mentor of mine), bought a big chocolate bar and gave me the book Captivating. He handed me the pink bag and then did something completely selfless! He said, “I just felt like God wanted you to know you’re worth it!” and then shortly afterward…turned around drove back. It was a life changing moment for me! Within a year, God moved mountains in both our lives. I was called to a 2 year (paid) adventure discovering God’s beauty and he would marry the love of his life!